Ever found yourself walking on eggshells in a relationship, afraid that one wrong step might trigger an explosion or the cold shoulder? I’ve been there. When I was in a relationship with someone who couldn’t regulate their emotions, I never knew whether I’d face screaming or silent treatment. That experience taught me something vital – emotional balance isn’t just a nice-to-have skill; it’s essential for healthy relationships and personal wellbeing.
What Is Emotional Balance?
Emotional balance is the ability to identify, express, and manage your emotions in a way that’s honest, gentle, and wise. It doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings or never experiencing negative emotions. Rather, it means developing a healthy relationship with all your emotions – allowing yourself to feel them while not becoming overwhelmed by them.
For people who’ve experienced narcissistic relationships or grew up with dysregulated parents, achieving emotional balance can seem like an impossible goal. Without healthy models of regulation, you might find yourself either overregulating (bottling everything up) or underregulating (explosive reactions).
Why Emotional Balance Matters
Emotional balance impacts virtually every aspect of your life:
- Healthier relationships: When you can regulate your emotions, you create safety rather than chaos in your connections with others
- Better physical health: Chronic emotional dysregulation can manifest as physical symptoms and illness
- Improved mental wellbeing: Balanced emotions help prevent anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges
- Enhanced decision-making: You make better choices when not overwhelmed by emotional reactivity
- Greater resilience: You can bounce back more effectively from life’s inevitable challenges
Signs of Emotional Dysregulation
Before exploring solutions, it’s important to recognize what dysregulation looks like:
- Frequent explosive anger or emotional outbursts
- Silent treatment as a response to conflict
- Inability to self-soothe when upset
- Extreme mood swings
- Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected
- Using unhealthy coping mechanisms (substance use, self-harm)
- Difficulty identifying what you’re feeling
- Struggling to function when emotions arise
7 Essential Components of Healthy Emotional Regulation
1. Express Emotions Appropriately
Healthy regulation means giving yourself permission to feel and express emotions in fitting ways. This might involve:
- Crying when sad
- Taking space when angry
- Laughing when happy
- Articulating what you’re feeling: “I feel disappointed right now”
Remember that expressing doesn’t mean acting out in harmful ways. You can feel anger without screaming or breaking things. You can feel hurt without punishing others.
2. Own Your Emotions as Yours
Balanced individuals recognize that their emotions belong to them and may not be shared by others. This means:
- Not forcing your feelings onto others
- Avoiding statements like “How can you not be upset about this?”
- Respecting that others have their own emotional experiences
- Taking responsibility for managing your own feelings
3. Communicate Without Harmful Behaviors
Even when emotions run high, regulated people avoid:
- Screaming or yelling
- Threatening or intimidation
- Breaking things
- Abruptly hanging up phones
- Leaving without explanation
- Physical aggression
Instead, they might say: “I need a moment to calm down before we continue this conversation.”
4. Read the Room Appropriately
Emotional balance involves context awareness – understanding when and where certain emotional expressions are appropriate:
- Recognizing that a work meeting isn’t the place for a full emotional breakdown
- Understanding when private processing is needed versus shared expression
- Not making others’ situations about your feelings
- Considering the impact of your emotional expression on others
This isn’t about suppression but about timing and appropriateness.
5. Develop Self-Regulation Techniques
People with emotional balance have tools for managing intense feelings:
- Deep breathing exercises
- Mindfulness practices
- Physical movement
- Taking short breaks when needed
- Journaling
- Talking with trusted supporters
Three deep breaths before responding can often change the entire trajectory of a difficult interaction.
6. Consider Multiple Perspectives
Balanced regulation requires recognizing you’re not the center of the universe:
- Acknowledging that others have valid experiences too
- Maintaining your feelings while understanding another’s viewpoint
- Practicing empathy without abandoning your own experience
- Balancing self-focus with awareness of others
7. Express, Don’t Suppress
Contrary to popular belief, keeping emotions inside isn’t healthy regulation:
- Suppression often leads to physical illness, anxiety, and eventual emotional eruptions
- “Toughing it out” or stoicism isn’t the same as healthy regulation
- Not expressing emotions can become a psychological time bomb
- Bottled emotions typically find unhealthy outlets eventually
The Impact of Narcissistic Relationships on Emotional Regulation
If you’ve been in relationships with narcissistic people, your emotional regulation has likely been affected in specific ways:
- You may overregulate to avoid conflict
- You might doubt the validity of your emotions due to gaslighting
- Your natural emotional responses may have been labeled as “too sensitive” or “dramatic”
- You may have learned that expressing feelings leads to punishment
- You might hit boiling points after long periods of suppression
- Self-blame about emotional reactions may feel normal to you
Narcissistic relationships create a particularly challenging environment for developing healthy regulation because:
- The narcissistic person’s dysregulation dominates the relationship
- Your emotions are constantly invalidated
- Walking on eggshells becomes normalized
- Self-doubt erodes your emotional confidence
- Your focus shifts to managing their emotions rather than honoring your own
How to Develop Better Emotional Balance
Step 1: Recognize and Name Your Emotions
Start by simply identifying what you’re feeling. Many people who’ve experienced narcissistic relationships struggle with this fundamental step.
Practice: Set an alarm three times daily to pause and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Name the emotion specifically – not just “good” or “bad” but “frustrated,” “content,” “anxious,” etc.
Step 2: Validate Your Emotional Experience
Remind yourself that all emotions are acceptable, even if actions based on them require moderation.
Practice: When you identify an emotion, tell yourself: “It’s perfectly okay that I feel [emotion]. This feeling is valid and doesn’t need justification.”
Step 3: Develop a Physical Awareness of Emotions
Learn to recognize how emotions manifest in your body.
Practice: When feeling strong emotions, scan your body. Notice tension, temperature changes, or other physical sensations. This body awareness creates space between feeling and reaction.
Step 4: Build Your Regulation Toolkit
Develop strategies that work for you to manage intense emotions.
Some effective techniques include:
- Box breathing (inhale 4 counts, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4)
- Progressive muscle relaxation
- Brief physical activity
- Sensory grounding (naming things you can see, hear, feel, etc.)
- Brief distraction for extremely intense emotions
Step 5: Practice Small-Scale Emotional Expression
If you’ve been overregulating, start expressing emotions in manageable ways.
Practice: Begin with low-risk emotional expressions like sharing minor disappointments or small joys with trusted friends.
Step 6: Seek Safe Relationships for Practice
Find people who demonstrate healthy regulation who can provide a corrective emotional experience.
Practice: Observe how emotionally balanced people handle their feelings. Notice how they express emotions without either suppression or explosion.
Step 7: Consider Professional Support
Therapy can be tremendously helpful for developing emotional regulation skills, particularly approaches like:
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
- Internal Family Systems (IFS)
- Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)
Common Scenarios: Regulated vs. Dysregulated Responses
| Scenario | Dysregulated Response | Regulated Response |
| Child spills milk | Screaming, harsh criticism | “It’s okay – accidents happen. Let’s clean it up together.” (Even if frustrated internally) |
| Partner is late | Silent treatment, door slamming | “I felt worried and a bit disrespected when you were late without calling. Can we talk about it?” |
| Work criticism | Defensive reaction, blame | “This feedback is hard to hear. I need some time to process it, then I’d like to discuss solutions.” |
| Traffic jam | Road rage, aggressive driving | Deep breathing, accepting the uncontrollable situation, finding a podcast to enjoy |
FAQs About Emotional Balance
Is emotional balance the same as always being calm?
No. Emotional balance means experiencing the full range of emotions but not being controlled by them. It’s about having a healthy relationship with all your feelings, not eliminating difficult ones.
Can you be too emotionally regulated?
Yes, overregulation (suppressing or denying emotions) is just as unhealthy as underregulation. True balance involves acknowledgment and appropriate expression.
How long does it take to develop better emotional regulation?
This varies widely depending on your history and circumstances. Most people see gradual improvement with consistent practice, but healing from significant dysregulation often takes time and support.
Can medication help with emotional regulation?
For some conditions that involve emotional dysregulation (like certain mood disorders or ADHD), medication can be a helpful component of treatment when prescribed appropriately by healthcare providers.
The Role of Self-Care in Emotional Balance
Maintaining emotional balance requires ongoing self-care. This includes:
- Adequate sleep: Sleep deprivation significantly impairs regulation abilities
- Regular exercise: Physical activity helps process stress hormones
- Nutrition: Blood sugar fluctuations can impact emotional stability
- Social connection: Healthy relationships provide regulation and support
- Boundaries: Limiting exposure to people who trigger dysregulation
- Mindfulness practices: Regular meditation builds regulation “muscles”
Moving Forward on Your Emotional Balance Journey
Remember that developing emotional balance is a journey, not a destination. Even the most emotionally skilled people have moments of dysregulation. The goal isn’t perfection but progress—developing greater awareness and more consistent regulation over time.
If you’ve survived narcissistic relationships, your path to emotional balance may have additional challenges, but it also offers profound healing potential. Each step toward healthier regulation not only improves your wellbeing but creates ripple effects in all your relationships.
Start small. Practice daily. Be patient with yourself. And remember that learning to honor and regulate your emotions is one of the most valuable skills you can develop—not just for yourself, but for everyone in your life.